Just a little free verse poem I felt like putting up... I wrote this by flashlight from the unwanted shelter of my shed sometime in summer of 2004. That evening we had a brilliant display of lightning to go along with our wind and rain, and I spent quite a bit of time outside that night. I really needed an escape that night, so it felt like that storm was there just for me. Apart from sentimental value, the poem isn't really that good, but, surprisingly, it isn't angst-ridden. As a sidenote, I hate parts of my journal where I didn't bother to record anything because I was too messed up at the time.
Lightning
Lightning dances,
Just beyond my reach.
Wild and free,
Tauntingly
It plays across my dreams.
Thunder,
Lightning's twin,
Crashes all around,
The power and nerve
That runs beside its brother.
Rain,
My own twin,
Softly touches me,
Enveloping me in its arms,
Whispering comfort with its kiss.
I rest,
Listening and watching
As my friends come to sit with me.
I am grateful
For their sweet company.
I actually rewrote this and put it into my poetry packet almost two years later, so I guess I'll put that version here, too. I think this one is a bit better, but it has a pretty different tone. I should do a rewrite in the original tone sometime.
Storm
The midnight sky blazes to life,
white-burning lightning racing
across my vision.
The hushed air suddenly reverberates
as thunder envelops me, shaking
my insignificant frame.
My hot skin rejoices
as it feels the cool raindrops splash
into my red, swollen eyes
and mingle with my tears.
~Paul
29 September 2005
"Gah! No! It's not a villanelle! It's a poem!"
He was actually right. My humanities professor was right. I didn't think he'd be wrong, because I've had previous experience to support his statement. I can still be awestruck and indignant that he was right, though. He said that after learning about all the techniques used in movies, we would be unable to watch a movie and simply enjoy it. We would analyze it to death.
So here I am, watching my Harry Potter music videos and, out of the blue, "Hey! That's a dissolve! It's sort of like a fade, except without the black screen inbetween. It momentarily leaves a superimposed image. It connects the scenes, makes it fluid, and also has cool emotional effects. That tracking shot as Harry and Hermione rush to hug each other puts the focus on them, as everything else is completely blurred out as the camera movies alongside Hermione. The blurring also creates the illusion of incredible speed as they fly eagerly into each other's arms. Nice high-angle long shot of the scene where Hermione and Harry are sitting in the snow together and Ron's standing about thirty feet away, on the outside looking in. One shot conveyed that. Here the camera trembling gives us familiar physical association to the amount of power emanating from Harry as he summons a Patronus. That panning high-angle shot was done at a moment when Harry was feeling very weak and vulnerable; it allows us to take in the Forbidden Forest's gloomy mood along with and enhancing his. A rack focus and a tracking shot are combined to draw attention to Harry's hasty retreat, even though Trelawney is making little motions in the background. Here we use a shot from directly in front of the characters, along with a tracking shot, to give the action a very intense feel as they rush about, dodging the Womping Willow. Had it been a long shot, the action would seem much more calm and strategic. It also gives us ample opportunity to see them hold hands as they dodge." It goes on and on.
This happened with Music Theory, with AP Literature, with the Hero's Journey, with Physics, with orchestra.... with everything, in fact, that allows for analysis of methods or patterns. We all have this tendency. As we understand more of the basic principles, we begin using that knowledge to understand the applications we see. As we understand the application, we can use it to create or plan our own works. And this isn't just for music, books, and videos. It goes for anything. Emotion, cognitive processes, history.
So what am I trying to say? Nothing, really. I'm just reiterating something that we all knew already. But you have to admit, it's freaking cool when first happens to you with a particular medium.
~Paul
So here I am, watching my Harry Potter music videos and, out of the blue, "Hey! That's a dissolve! It's sort of like a fade, except without the black screen inbetween. It momentarily leaves a superimposed image. It connects the scenes, makes it fluid, and also has cool emotional effects. That tracking shot as Harry and Hermione rush to hug each other puts the focus on them, as everything else is completely blurred out as the camera movies alongside Hermione. The blurring also creates the illusion of incredible speed as they fly eagerly into each other's arms. Nice high-angle long shot of the scene where Hermione and Harry are sitting in the snow together and Ron's standing about thirty feet away, on the outside looking in. One shot conveyed that. Here the camera trembling gives us familiar physical association to the amount of power emanating from Harry as he summons a Patronus. That panning high-angle shot was done at a moment when Harry was feeling very weak and vulnerable; it allows us to take in the Forbidden Forest's gloomy mood along with and enhancing his. A rack focus and a tracking shot are combined to draw attention to Harry's hasty retreat, even though Trelawney is making little motions in the background. Here we use a shot from directly in front of the characters, along with a tracking shot, to give the action a very intense feel as they rush about, dodging the Womping Willow. Had it been a long shot, the action would seem much more calm and strategic. It also gives us ample opportunity to see them hold hands as they dodge." It goes on and on.
This happened with Music Theory, with AP Literature, with the Hero's Journey, with Physics, with orchestra.... with everything, in fact, that allows for analysis of methods or patterns. We all have this tendency. As we understand more of the basic principles, we begin using that knowledge to understand the applications we see. As we understand the application, we can use it to create or plan our own works. And this isn't just for music, books, and videos. It goes for anything. Emotion, cognitive processes, history.
So what am I trying to say? Nothing, really. I'm just reiterating something that we all knew already. But you have to admit, it's freaking cool when first happens to you with a particular medium.
~Paul
25 September 2005
What Really Happened In German Class....
I am periodically reminded that people tend to have bigger problems than I do; this always has the nice little effect of cutting any of my pity fiestas short.
In high school, my German class often served this purpose. I sat at a table with a very interesting group of classmates. One person was pregneant for part of the year, had a great tendency toward drugs and drunkenness, missed a few weeks of school to serve jail time, and managed to break her parole in six different ways. On top of this, she had no emotional bonds to speak of with her family and usually had to live elsewhere. Another person had divorced parents. He once told me that he could down nineteen ounces of vodka and not even get a buzz. He also once advised me, after wincing and grasping at his side, to stay away from masochism, the type involving razors. He said it hurts and is stupid.
Here at college, I've had a few more of these experiences when talking to a man on my floor. He had a great tendency to get into fights at his hometown, usually one or two a week, which he never told his parents about. He often wears black and hasn't told anyone his name in years. When he went to the campus counseling center, he ended up being placed with one of the better college faculty memgbers instead of basic counselors or psychology grad students. He wondered aloud to me where the line is between stupidity and just not wanting to see a counselor.
I've dealt with lots of people for whom professional help would be a good idea, but not absolutely necessary. I've also dealt with a few people who, I knew, absolutely needed help to function. I'm fortunate enough to have wonderful friends and to normally not go any deeper than counseling being a strongly recommended option.
I've always been taught that we will not have to suffer more than we can bear, run faster than we have strength, be tempted above what we can withstand, or be destroyed beyond healing. I believe this, if only because Christ is ready to augment our own strength with his guidance and grace, and He has infinite strength with which to bear us up. We don't always use our full endurance, though, because we humans are very prone to both not doing all we can do and not relying on Christ as we should, in whatever form we know Him. Because we don't use either source to the fullest, people shatter. Hearts break. Lives and souls are destroyed. Light goes out.
Keep that light alive, and let it shine. It's the only way, really. If we lose hope, life is pointless. We weren't sent here to live pointless lives.
~Paul
In high school, my German class often served this purpose. I sat at a table with a very interesting group of classmates. One person was pregneant for part of the year, had a great tendency toward drugs and drunkenness, missed a few weeks of school to serve jail time, and managed to break her parole in six different ways. On top of this, she had no emotional bonds to speak of with her family and usually had to live elsewhere. Another person had divorced parents. He once told me that he could down nineteen ounces of vodka and not even get a buzz. He also once advised me, after wincing and grasping at his side, to stay away from masochism, the type involving razors. He said it hurts and is stupid.
Here at college, I've had a few more of these experiences when talking to a man on my floor. He had a great tendency to get into fights at his hometown, usually one or two a week, which he never told his parents about. He often wears black and hasn't told anyone his name in years. When he went to the campus counseling center, he ended up being placed with one of the better college faculty memgbers instead of basic counselors or psychology grad students. He wondered aloud to me where the line is between stupidity and just not wanting to see a counselor.
I've dealt with lots of people for whom professional help would be a good idea, but not absolutely necessary. I've also dealt with a few people who, I knew, absolutely needed help to function. I'm fortunate enough to have wonderful friends and to normally not go any deeper than counseling being a strongly recommended option.
I've always been taught that we will not have to suffer more than we can bear, run faster than we have strength, be tempted above what we can withstand, or be destroyed beyond healing. I believe this, if only because Christ is ready to augment our own strength with his guidance and grace, and He has infinite strength with which to bear us up. We don't always use our full endurance, though, because we humans are very prone to both not doing all we can do and not relying on Christ as we should, in whatever form we know Him. Because we don't use either source to the fullest, people shatter. Hearts break. Lives and souls are destroyed. Light goes out.
Keep that light alive, and let it shine. It's the only way, really. If we lose hope, life is pointless. We weren't sent here to live pointless lives.
~Paul
22 September 2005
"Round up the usual suspects."
I don't really feel like being eloquent, philosophical, or funny today--or, rather, I'm having too much trouble churning any of that out. So, I'll simply do a short plug for a movie I saw today.
Specifically, Casablanca. Ah, I love university-sponsored events. Casablanca made it onto the Honors Great Works list here, so a bunch of English Honors 200 classes got together and watched it.
To completely summarize the rest of my entry, GO WATCH IT.
This is seriously one of the best movies I've ever seen. Humphrey Bogart, Ingrid Bergman, and Paul Henreid are amazing both as powerful, human characters and as one of the more intricate and involving love triangles I've seen. As if those three weren't enough, the supporting characters are all amazing. The plot is interesting and well-made. The humor--oh, I love it! Practically everyone involved is fairly well refined and intelligent, so there's an abundance of crafty sarcasm and dry wit that gets along with me quite nicely. I bet all my regular readers (YOU GUYS) would absolutely love this movie.
An aside to BOC42: I think I found the inspiration for Big Daddy Brotherson in Kim Possible! It's Senor Ferrari. "As leader of all illegal activities in Casablanca, I am an influential and respected man." It's so perfect....
~Paul
Specifically, Casablanca. Ah, I love university-sponsored events. Casablanca made it onto the Honors Great Works list here, so a bunch of English Honors 200 classes got together and watched it.
To completely summarize the rest of my entry, GO WATCH IT.
This is seriously one of the best movies I've ever seen. Humphrey Bogart, Ingrid Bergman, and Paul Henreid are amazing both as powerful, human characters and as one of the more intricate and involving love triangles I've seen. As if those three weren't enough, the supporting characters are all amazing. The plot is interesting and well-made. The humor--oh, I love it! Practically everyone involved is fairly well refined and intelligent, so there's an abundance of crafty sarcasm and dry wit that gets along with me quite nicely. I bet all my regular readers (YOU GUYS) would absolutely love this movie.
An aside to BOC42: I think I found the inspiration for Big Daddy Brotherson in Kim Possible! It's Senor Ferrari. "As leader of all illegal activities in Casablanca, I am an influential and respected man." It's so perfect....
~Paul
18 September 2005
Stupid Fairies
I can't decide what I want to write about. I know I want to write about something; it's dancing just beyond the edge of my mind, teasing me and telling me to come out and play, knowing full well that I'm stuck right where I am. My muse is a fairy that enjoys flitting about my head, evading my grasp, showing up in my vision as a bright streak of light and a glowing ball that quickly disappears, giggling, into the darkness, leaving me alone and frustrated.
Therefore, I will reach into my ever-present journal and take my blog entry from a more fruitful day of writing. Specifically, last night. It was kind of random, but most things about me are, so this isn't anything new to you people.
Saturday 17 September 2005
I must be tired. I wrote "Saturday" twice and had to scratch one out. I wouldn't be tired at 2:16, once upon a time. Now, I feel less than half awake.
Why is it the sounds in the background are so insistent, anyway? All background is. Most of the human life is concerned with things that are, ultimately, just background noise that breaks our concentration when we try to focus on the important things.
Money is background noise. Jobs are. Laundry is. Eating is. Homework, hobbies, writing, socializing, thinking are. Everything is simple background.
Unless.
Unless you take the activity and fuse it with something bigger than life. Then it becomes important and valuable.
It's 2:22 AM. Do you know where your life is?
~Paul
Therefore, I will reach into my ever-present journal and take my blog entry from a more fruitful day of writing. Specifically, last night. It was kind of random, but most things about me are, so this isn't anything new to you people.
Saturday 17 September 2005
I must be tired. I wrote "Saturday" twice and had to scratch one out. I wouldn't be tired at 2:16, once upon a time. Now, I feel less than half awake.
Why is it the sounds in the background are so insistent, anyway? All background is. Most of the human life is concerned with things that are, ultimately, just background noise that breaks our concentration when we try to focus on the important things.
Money is background noise. Jobs are. Laundry is. Eating is. Homework, hobbies, writing, socializing, thinking are. Everything is simple background.
Unless.
Unless you take the activity and fuse it with something bigger than life. Then it becomes important and valuable.
It's 2:22 AM. Do you know where your life is?
~Paul
15 September 2005
1/\/\ L0z1n9 M1h 1337n3ss
I feel like I've been undergoing a very strange transformation over the past year or so. It's reached critical levels in the past couple of months, but it's been building over time. Me undergoing this particular change is one of the signs of the apocalypse, if I remember correctly. Removing this aspect of me is as significant as removing the fruit from a fruit basket, or a basket case, as may be a better description of me, even if it does make the analogy a bit weird.
I'm a gamer, of sorts. I'm usually behind on the immediately current trends, as I don't buy a constant supply of new games and consoles, so my game collection tends to be a bit old. In fact, I tend toward the really old games, though not Pong old. How many people my age can say they've beaten Bubble Bobble, or Kirby's Adventure--for the original NES, not the remakes and sequels? How many gamers my age have actually played the original Final Fantasy, or Dune2, or Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis, or Prince of Persia, or Scorched Earth, or Out of This World, or Dungeon Master, or Castles 2, or the ultimate RPG of its day, Betrayal at Krondor? How many even know what most of this stuff is? I'm not just enthusiastic about this stuff; I'm obsessed with it.
And I've been steadily losing interest. I download old abandonware, I play for awhile, and I delete it before I even get close to finishing. I run across a promising-looking multiplayer online role playing game, and I play for a few hours, and never go back to it. I bring out Final Fantasy 7 and 8 and don't get past the first disc on either one. I pull out my Warcraft 2 CDs, play the first five or so missions, and take it off. Normally, I would try to install Warcraft 1 first, and only give up when it convinces me that it doesn't run on Windows XP without all sorts of tweaks and tricks. Most recently, I usually don't even try to start games when I get the urge, because I know I'll become supremely dissatisfied with the game almost immediately and quit. I just play a game of Freecell, maybe I'll branch back out into Minesweeper and Pinball soon, and that's plenty of gamage for me.
The only aspect of video games that have interested me much at all lately is the social aspect--that is, if people I'm with want to play, sure, group activities are fun. But if you give me a game and see how long it takes me finish it on my own, you'll be waiting awhile. I didn't even bring any of my games to college. I didn't want them, didn't need them. Even after being separated so long that I would normally get withdrawals, I'm still not clamoring for them. I might log onto Runescape for a few minutes once in awhile, but I usually find something more interesting to do in short order.
I've known for a long time that video games are generally worthless. That fact, though, has more weight with me now. A few consuming obsessions are necessary. That has been my experience, at least. It just seems I could make my selections more wisely. It also seems that a contemplative mind can remain seriously attached to video games for so long before either atrophying or moving on out of disgust; a mind that thinks can only take so much numbing dungeon/installation crawling before needing something healthier.
I don't even feel the same attachment to 1337 anymore! I was surfing around on the net, ran into a page with a poem written entirely in the 1337, and felt an impending headache! I'll still enjoy using 'uber,' as it's so ingrained, I have German training, and it's a running joke with a certain friend who knows exactly who she is. Leetspeak, though, is getting tedious and painful.
So, to translate the title of this post, "I'm Losing My Leetness."
I won't miss it.
~Paul
I'm a gamer, of sorts. I'm usually behind on the immediately current trends, as I don't buy a constant supply of new games and consoles, so my game collection tends to be a bit old. In fact, I tend toward the really old games, though not Pong old. How many people my age can say they've beaten Bubble Bobble, or Kirby's Adventure--for the original NES, not the remakes and sequels? How many gamers my age have actually played the original Final Fantasy, or Dune2, or Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis, or Prince of Persia, or Scorched Earth, or Out of This World, or Dungeon Master, or Castles 2, or the ultimate RPG of its day, Betrayal at Krondor? How many even know what most of this stuff is? I'm not just enthusiastic about this stuff; I'm obsessed with it.
And I've been steadily losing interest. I download old abandonware, I play for awhile, and I delete it before I even get close to finishing. I run across a promising-looking multiplayer online role playing game, and I play for a few hours, and never go back to it. I bring out Final Fantasy 7 and 8 and don't get past the first disc on either one. I pull out my Warcraft 2 CDs, play the first five or so missions, and take it off. Normally, I would try to install Warcraft 1 first, and only give up when it convinces me that it doesn't run on Windows XP without all sorts of tweaks and tricks. Most recently, I usually don't even try to start games when I get the urge, because I know I'll become supremely dissatisfied with the game almost immediately and quit. I just play a game of Freecell, maybe I'll branch back out into Minesweeper and Pinball soon, and that's plenty of gamage for me.
The only aspect of video games that have interested me much at all lately is the social aspect--that is, if people I'm with want to play, sure, group activities are fun. But if you give me a game and see how long it takes me finish it on my own, you'll be waiting awhile. I didn't even bring any of my games to college. I didn't want them, didn't need them. Even after being separated so long that I would normally get withdrawals, I'm still not clamoring for them. I might log onto Runescape for a few minutes once in awhile, but I usually find something more interesting to do in short order.
I've known for a long time that video games are generally worthless. That fact, though, has more weight with me now. A few consuming obsessions are necessary. That has been my experience, at least. It just seems I could make my selections more wisely. It also seems that a contemplative mind can remain seriously attached to video games for so long before either atrophying or moving on out of disgust; a mind that thinks can only take so much numbing dungeon/installation crawling before needing something healthier.
I don't even feel the same attachment to 1337 anymore! I was surfing around on the net, ran into a page with a poem written entirely in the 1337, and felt an impending headache! I'll still enjoy using 'uber,' as it's so ingrained, I have German training, and it's a running joke with a certain friend who knows exactly who she is. Leetspeak, though, is getting tedious and painful.
So, to translate the title of this post, "I'm Losing My Leetness."
I won't miss it.
~Paul
13 September 2005
What Really Happens In Japanese Class
Sensei: Ohayo! (good morning, polite)
Students: Ohayo gozaimasu! (good morning, more polite)
Sensei: Kinoo kyookasho yomimasita? (Did you read your textbook yesterday?)
Students: *blank stares*
Sensei: .... Wakarimasen desita, nee. (You didn't understand, did you.)
Students: *blank stares*
Sensei: *bangs head on wall repeatedly*
Students: *pronounced with crippling American accent* Sumimasen...? (We're sorry....?)
Sensei: ...Itai. (Ow.)
Okay, so the first-year Japanese students aren't as inept as that. In fact, it seems that half my classmates took Japanese courses in high school and able to talk circles around me. This isn't surprising, as there are times when I can barely speak English. All the people who are true first-years, however, do seem lost now and then.
The freaky thing, though, is that when I'm dealing with the poeple in my Japanese class, in or out of the classroom, the laws of physics alter. The very fundamental laws of the universe shift! Possibilities are entirely dependent on arbitrary systems, called plots, which may or may not shift at any given time. The matter of the universe changes its intrinsic identity until everything looks completely different. When I'm around my Japanese classmates, I leave this reality and step into an Anime!
Apart from the whole ignoring of physical impossibilities, like robots, super martial artists, magic, and all sorts of things like that, anime isn't that different from reality--at least, not much more than our own television shows are. And let's admit it: we've all felt like we were in a scripted plot at times. There are certain characters in anime and manga that you usually won't find in other mediums, though.... So, if I'm having one of those "I'm In a Really Bad Fanfiction" moments, and one of my classmates is acting like the super-hyper/happy-weird schoolgirl any good anime school drama has (they usually have several dozen, in fact), I'm going to feel like I'm in a Really Bad Anime Fanfiction.
It's Not A Happy Feeling.
I always knew I'd only seen a small fraction of anime, but it took my classmates to make me feel so utterly lost concerning anime. The people who take Japanese are usually die hard fans. And some of these people are acting like the characters. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THE SUPER-HYPER/HAPPY-WEIRD SCHOOLGIRL ANIME CHARACTER. I DON'T HAVE THE TRAINING.
If you want to take Japanese, absorb lots of anime, or you won't know how to deal with these people. If, however, you value sanity, or at least your form of it, DON'T TAKE JAPANESE.
~Paul
Students: Ohayo gozaimasu! (good morning, more polite)
Sensei: Kinoo kyookasho yomimasita? (Did you read your textbook yesterday?)
Students: *blank stares*
Sensei: .... Wakarimasen desita, nee. (You didn't understand, did you.)
Students: *blank stares*
Sensei: *bangs head on wall repeatedly*
Students: *pronounced with crippling American accent* Sumimasen...? (We're sorry....?)
Sensei: ...Itai. (Ow.)
Okay, so the first-year Japanese students aren't as inept as that. In fact, it seems that half my classmates took Japanese courses in high school and able to talk circles around me. This isn't surprising, as there are times when I can barely speak English. All the people who are true first-years, however, do seem lost now and then.
The freaky thing, though, is that when I'm dealing with the poeple in my Japanese class, in or out of the classroom, the laws of physics alter. The very fundamental laws of the universe shift! Possibilities are entirely dependent on arbitrary systems, called plots, which may or may not shift at any given time. The matter of the universe changes its intrinsic identity until everything looks completely different. When I'm around my Japanese classmates, I leave this reality and step into an Anime!
Apart from the whole ignoring of physical impossibilities, like robots, super martial artists, magic, and all sorts of things like that, anime isn't that different from reality--at least, not much more than our own television shows are. And let's admit it: we've all felt like we were in a scripted plot at times. There are certain characters in anime and manga that you usually won't find in other mediums, though.... So, if I'm having one of those "I'm In a Really Bad Fanfiction" moments, and one of my classmates is acting like the super-hyper/happy-weird schoolgirl any good anime school drama has (they usually have several dozen, in fact), I'm going to feel like I'm in a Really Bad Anime Fanfiction.
It's Not A Happy Feeling.
I always knew I'd only seen a small fraction of anime, but it took my classmates to make me feel so utterly lost concerning anime. The people who take Japanese are usually die hard fans. And some of these people are acting like the characters. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THE SUPER-HYPER/HAPPY-WEIRD SCHOOLGIRL ANIME CHARACTER. I DON'T HAVE THE TRAINING.
If you want to take Japanese, absorb lots of anime, or you won't know how to deal with these people. If, however, you value sanity, or at least your form of it, DON'T TAKE JAPANESE.
~Paul
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